This is a bit different than my usual post on here, but I wanted to talk about something I saw going around Threads and Instagram. Essentially, a woman had posted about the damage reading Romance and Erotica does. She states that it damages a relationship worse than a man watching porn does. Okay, strike one. Could that be because our society makes it more acceptable for men to watch it? She also says that it leads to women engaging in risky behavior (disgusting view in my opinion) and unhealthy/unrealistic expectations for sex and relationships. So let’s talk about it.

Starting with the unhealthy view of sex and relationships: I have seen this genre have more benefits for couples and single women than detriments. I went through the deep dives of a romance subreddit, looking for different views and stories that others have shared. A man reported that he no longer asks for sex with his wife – not because of anything bad though. He saw what she was reading, learned what she likes, and puts in just a smidge of effort by showering, wearing grey sweatpants, and rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. Shocking, I know. How dare she make him feel as if he has to do all that just to get laid.

I couldn’t even count the amount of reports that stated reading this genre has helped them feel more comfortable within their own bodies. They have learned new kinks they had and learned to do those kinks safely. Women have been able to learn what they like during sex so that they can have pleasure too. They’ve reported having sex with their husbands more than they ever had previously; and, get this, actually enjoying it instead of feeling as if it’s just another chore they need to check off. They’re finding themselves flirting with their husbands more, being more intimate, and just having fun. Which leads into my next point.

Why is it so bad for a woman to have fun, especially when that fun is targeted towards sexuality? So many people claim that reading these of books isn’t ‘real reading.’ But if it isn’t, then why? How? Explain it to me. In what way does women exploring their likes, pleasures, and interests harm or threaten a man? Because, from where I’m sitting, it’s just something fun and definitely not harmful for women to engage in. Unless you count having more sex with your husband as harmful.

What unhealthy views of relationships are we talking about? I, personally, would never want to be locked in a room with the love interests from some of the books I read, even though I am absolutely devouring the story they’re in. Since reading romance and erotica, I can say I never once expected my partner to act that exact same way. I’m able to look at the grand exclamations of love and over obsession and realize that my partner and I don’t need or do that. However, I have found new things to try. I have explored dirty talk more and I have set specific boundaries that I didn’t have before because I didn’t know how to. These books show how integral consent is, always. And, get this: the woman’s pleasure is actually important to the guy. Almost as if each person in the relationship deserves pleasure. Huh. And if you’re talking about monster or dark romance that you’re reading as unhealthy/unrealistic, then I ask you: do you really think a large population of women reading those genuinely expect their partners to become a gargoyle and fuck them with dubious consent? Cause I don’t. But, damn, is it a silly fun time when I read it.

Porn does not have to damage a relationship. Excessive use of it and fully expecting your partner to adhere to each and every fantasy without ever actually talking about that fantasy is the issue. Comparing your partner to the unrealistic bodies shown in porn – bodies that had help getting there – is the issue. P.S. a benefit of books is that you’re not being subjugated to real people while exploring and learning those fantasies. It’s about boundaries and conversation, not just watching or reading porn.

I do understand that there are religious values that hold some from engaging in this type of content, and that’s fine. If there has been a clear set of communication and boundaries and both parties are cool with it, don’t read any of these books. If you’re the kind of person can mix ideals in their head, that’s okay. Talk about it. Learn about what you like and what isn’t really realistic. None of that means all women should stop reading it. None of that means this genre is detrimental to women.

I don’t read this genre a lot. I read a romance once in a blue moon, but I have been reading fantasy romance more and more. And guess what? It’s really fun. And if a specific scene gets me hot and heavy, I get to explore that with my partner. I, like many women and men, have only seen benefits to exploring what this genre has to offer. Most of the book I read have an actual plot to go with it. There is intrigue and fun. Just let women have fun, man. Women have endured purity culture, rape culture, and just being unaware of their sexual desires, despite our sexuality being a key aspect of confidence and relationship intimacy. If we want to read a silly little book about gargoyles fucking people or a man falling head over heels in love with a woman and worshipping her body for it, let us read it. Who is it hurting? Who is it threatening? Let women read porn.

I’d be curious to know your thoughts on this topic as well. As a man, do you have an issue with your partner reading this genre? If so, why? As a woman who reads this genre, have you seen any of these benefits? I’d love to know.